This year makes 15 years of marriage for us. Marriage hasn’t always been easy but let me just say that kids add a whole new layer of complexity to marriage. Our marriage has not been anywhere near perfect and the first year of marriage I just knew that this marriage was NOT going to last. With God’s help and much growing from both of us, we made it through. This blog isn’t going to glorify our marriage by any means. We are NOT perfect but it will shine a light on how we were able to get to where we are today.
In today’s culture, I see so many marriages that are broken for so many reasons and I am not here to use a measuring stick. I am simply writing this blog to give you a few observations of how we are thriving in our marriage after kids. I hope you enjoy and are even able to take a few notes and use them in your own marriage
Marriage takes WORK– when I got married at the tender age of 20 I had no earthly idea what marriage truly was. I had amazing and loving parents who were a great example but I just wasn’t aware of how much work it would take. Boy did I learn! As I look around at couples today, I notice that some marriages are lasting but they aren’t happy. We have done the work it takes to keep the joy in our marriage. There were many times, I must agree, that I wasn’t joyful in my marriage but as I matured I learned that most times it had to do with my actions or lack thereof. We are active advocates for couples therapy and counseling. When we first got married we went to counseling on every wedding anniversary for a “check up”. We are so blessed to have amazing examples of marriage all around us and we aren’t afraid to ask for help or support. Sometimes that looks like dropping the kids off at the grandparents for the weekend so we can get a date night.
Start Dating Again– Yes! It’s really that simple. I have learned that we all change over time. The tender 20-year-old young lady my husband married 15 years ago is very different from the 35-year-old woman I am today. Life experiences have changed me. My husband and I do our best to date each other again. Dating doesn’t have to mean anything fancy. For us, we date daily by going on early morning walks to talk and share each other’s hearts (whether we agree or not).
Fight Fair– we all have disagreements in marriage but in our marriage there are things we avoid at all costs. The first one is saying the word “divorce”. When I was younger in marriage I said this ALL the time. I was frustrated and all I wanted to do was get out because things weren’t going my way. As I have matured, I have learned to not speak things I don’t mean because they are very hurtful and the goal in our marriage is to MAKE a way. It takes tons of practice but I have learned to communicate with my husband about my opinions instead of shut down and not talking at all. Also, we pray each morning together for each other. This has helped tremendously.
Spouse FIRST– in my marriage my kids are important and I would literally die for them, but my husband comes first. Actually, God comes first then my husband but you get what I mean. LOL! Many women will disagree with me on this one but my view is that if our marriage is thriving then our family will thrive. I am not implying that people who are separated will not be able to still co-parent well because I know many who do. I am saying that for our marriage this has been vital. There is a statistic that the divorce rate amongst a majority of empty nesters has increased because many don’t know how to be married after their kids leave. They never took the time to work through the hard stuff and they used their kids as a way to refocus their pain from their dying marriage. I plan to be married to my Hunny for the long haul and that means we make the choice to put each other first every day and as a result our whole family benefits.
Communicate, Communicate, COMMUNICATE– Did I mention to communicate? LOL! I used to have a nasty habit of shutting down and not talking when I was upset about something. For some odd reason I felt if I held in my frustration it would just go away. I would much rather not talk about it. As I matured as a women I learned that communication especially crucial conversations is not only important but a sign of a healthy marriage. You would be surprised how many women do not communicate their emotions to their husbands and walk around angry and bitter all the time. That woman used to be me! Through much therapy and grace from my hunny, I have learned that it benefits the whole family when we foster communication no matter how we feel and allow each other to express their feelings. That doesn’t always mean we have to agree with each other but it does mean that we have learned to love each other and expect honest communication between us. Communication and much prayer has literally saved our marriage. Even though it can be more of a challenge to communicate after kids (because your focus is being pulled various ways) it’s still important. My Hunny and I talk every morning on our walks together.
Learn Each Other’s Love Language– this may sound so simple but it has made a huge difference in how we communicate and what forms of communication are best for each of us. We read the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and we took an online quiz to find out what our love languages were. Mine is acts of service and gifts and my husband’s is words of affirmation. We both have learned that catering to each other’s love language is important in a healthy marriage. For years I would spend time searching high and low for the perfect gift for him (because my love language is gifts and I just knew that would be special to him) instead what mattered most to him was a kind love letter or a special message on his mirror written in lipstick of how much I love him. It took us a few years to figure this one out. Do yourself a favor take the time to see how your spouse displays and wants to be loved and work towards showing them love in that way. It means so much!
There is no secret formula to marriage and just like parenting, marriage does not come with a handbook on what works. I sure wish it did. LOL! Every marriage is different but for us God is at the center. It is my prayer that you constantly cultivate the fertile ground of your marriage and even if you are in a space of lost hope that restoration is on the horizon. You are in my prayers my friend!
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